I know! Man, have I been there. There have been numerous times where I've been disappointed in myself, in my partner, in someone I barely know, in my friends and their choices. These disappointments have felt like small deaths at times. When we are open and ready to feel, the knife sinks in oh so very deep. It hurts, we bleed. Once we have regained some of our senses, we start to build up those walls around our precious little heart. We want to protect it, we do not want to feel the pain again. Ever again. This is when things start to go wrong. I know you have been there too. What are the hurts you are shielding yourself from? It really is natural, but if you want to find that true love, it is best for you to consider other options. So here you go, 3-step first aid kit to get past your disappointments and take a fresh view on love.
1. Start to build a relationship with yourself
Paint a picture of you building a house for your future family. You want it to look good, smell good, and have a beautiful yard for nice BBQ's. You have laid down the groundwork and are setting up the walls, but in the middle of construction a storm comes and hits this unfinished building. It wreaks a havoc with your house. Now you get scared of the next storm and start quickly arranging this tight stone wall around the house. For protection. It will be trickier for people to get in and the house will be unfinished, but at least it is safe.
You are unfinished. Your core is inside this wall. This is where you need to begin, to strenghten this heart, this core of yours, that it can take in the storms that love has in store for you. You need to tear that wall down. Start to get to know you, take babysteps and build trust. There will become a time when you are ready for a bigger step. Nurture yourself and start feeling the love you have for yourself.
2. Accept that other people make their own decisions
In a relationship, you can’t be the puppeteer. You are not responsible for someone else's life choices. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person. Release the expectations of how the other person should act, what he should say or what he should do. It is not your job to worry about that, concentrate on yourself and choose to trust that. Many times you also find yourself protecting someone else from pain. I used to have a client who barely even got to know a man, before she dumped him because she didn't want to end up hurting him. I say: be honest, be kind but never make your life decisions based on what you presume someone else can or can not take. I am hooked in this Norwegian teenage series SKAM. This one girl there has a quote on her wall: Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind, always. Stick to this.
3. And now the hardest one: a shift of perspective
You gotta find a way to move from a victim to a creator role. In victim role you are under the impression that things happen to you and you have little or no control over them. Creator role is something where you are not going to let your past dictate your future love life. You will not let your fears stand in your way, instead you will find your way with them. You are the one writing the chapters in your life! You need to start choosing. Is waiting around for the perfect someone your choice?
How about taking everything that has happened to you and turning it in to a learning experience? What do you want your love life to look like? To feel like? It is crazy, how many women do not see that love can be learned. Start with the self love and then head towards the storm. You need to lift your chin up and concentrate on where you want to be steering this love boat of yours and you will start finding the ways.
Renja is a love and transformation coach who inspires women to live lives true to themselves. Her strengths lie in listening and problem solving. Her clients describe her with words like: open, warm, firm, dedicated and creative. She is the founder of Ahaa Helsinki, that aims to bring down to earth coaching available for everyone. She believes in making decisions, creating visions and taking action. She absolutely loves what she does, and she is always open for women who are willing and committed to create better lives for themselves.
Renja has a master's degree in Economics and completed the Mentor Masterclass Life coach training program.
Renja writes two blogs: one in english here. And one in Finnish here.